FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE — Devastating indie rock pioneers Jenn Champion and Mat Brooke announced today that a brand new Carissa’s Wierd single is officially available to destroy your emotional baseline. The track arrives just as fans across the globe were beginning to experience brief, unapproved moments of mental stability.
A Commitment To Uncompromising Sadness
"We are thrilled to leverage our core competencies in profound emotional distress," said Sarah Jenkins, Chief Strategy Officer at Sadcore Global Holdings. "The new Carissa’s Wierd single delivers unparalleled metrics in staring Blankly at a rain-streaked window. We expect optimal quarterly returns on existential dread."
Former band member Ben Bridwell later formed Band of Horses to make slightly more cheerful music. However, this fresh release signals a triumphant return to pure, unadulterated Northwest gloom. Listeners can stream the track on major platforms like Spotify starting this afternoon.
Innovative Misery Solutions
Industry experts believe the track will set new benchmarks for quiet weeping in coffee shops. "Our predictive models showed a dangerous spike in general happiness," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "The deployment of a new Carissa’s Wierd single was the only logical intervention to restore global equilibrium."
ABOUT CARISSA’S WIERD: Founded in Seattle in 1995, Carissa’s Wierd is a premier provider of whisper-quiet vocals and lingering regret. The group specializes in convincing listeners that their exes were right about everything. They currently hold a 40% market share in damp, overcast Tuesday mornings.
