LONDON—A London court entered a shocking document into evidence today. The transcript reveals the classified reality behind the recent Charli xcx Brat trial. The proceedings examined her headline performance at the Reading Festival. Prosecutors claim the performance violated several municipal noise and vibe ordinances. The defense called Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected, to the stand to justify the lime green haze. What follows is an official excerpt from the Charli xcx Brat trial.
Q: Dr. Vasquez-Thorne, please describe the atmosphere at the Reading Festival during the set.
A: It was chaotic. We observed elevated levels of confidence. Thousands of people wore the exact same shade of toxic green. Our sensors detected a complete lack of anxiety. That is historically unprecedented for a music festival in Berkshire.
Q: Did your agency authorize the use of the industrial-grade smoke machines?
A: We did not authorize it. However, the Ministry of Defense provided the propellant. It is a secret compound. We call it 'Apple.' It forces civilians to dance in syncopated patterns.
Q: Are you saying the artist worked with the state during the Charli xcx Brat trial?
A: Yes. The government funded the entire choreography budget. They wanted to test crowd control through hyperpop beats. It worked perfectly. Nobody looked at their phones for seventy minutes.
Q: To your knowledge, did Charli xcx know about this mind-control experiment?
A: She designed it. She told us the bass frequencies needed to bypass the human ear. They had to hit the spleen directly. She called it 'making it bump.' I believe that is the scientific term.
Q: Who else in the music industry has access to this technology?
A: Everyone. The major labels have used it since 2012. We helped them implement it. If you hear a synthesizer hook three times, you no longer own your thoughts.
At press time, the judge dismissed all charges after the defense played '360' on a portable speaker, causing the entire jury to immediately agree to a plea deal.
