SEATTLE—Indie rock veterans Chastity Belt announce new album All My Friends today. The record serves as a legal audit of their social circles. The band confirmed that they will not ship physical copies of the LP. Instead, they will mail certified letters to friends to confirm their friendship status.
The Friendship Audit
The band previously released two tracks from the record. Band members stated that those songs targeted acquaintances who failed to help them move apartments. The group has been making fuzzy indie rock for 15 years. They now feel it is time to thin the herd.
"We are taking a hard look at our contacts," said Julia Shapiro, lead vocalist for Chastity Belt. "If you did not feed our cats during our 2024 tour, you do not get to hear the new tracks. This record is only for verified friends. The title is not a metaphor. We will check IDs at the venue door."
Social Science of the Scene
Industry experts praised the move. They see it as a necessary step for aging millennial musicians. It prevents freeloaders from enjoying the warm, beatific guitar tones of the Pacific Northwest.
"Many musicians suffer from passive-aggressive networking," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "By releasing an album called All My Friends, Chastity Belt forces people to commit. You are either in the inner circle or you are a mere fan. It is a brilliant way to cut down on guest list requests."
At press time, the band was actively updating their spreadsheet to demote three former college roommates to the 'Vague Acquaintance' tier after they failed to share the album announcement on Instagram.
