WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall notice today regarding the new Chastity Belt safety warning. The federal agency flagged the indie rock band's new single, "I Could Say Less," as a severe emotional hazard. Regulators warn that the opening line, "Why is everything so embarrassing?" can trigger sudden, uncontrollable waves of social mortification in listeners.
Severe Risk of Secondary Humiliation
The recall affects all digital streams, vinyl pressings, and radio broadcasts of the song. According to federal documents, the track's gloomy guitars and resigned vocals lower the room's emotional humidity to dangerous levels. The hazard stems from a design flaw in the song's lyric structure. It forces listeners to recall every awkward handshake they have ever attempted since the year 2014.
"We observed a 400 percent spike in phantom cringing during initial laboratory testing," said Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI. Adebayo-Kowalski assisted the government in analyzing the track's emotional density. "The Chastity Belt safety warning exists because the human psyche cannot process this level of deadpan Seattle disillusionment without proper protective gear."
Approved Remedy and Dopamine Management
The commission recommends that citizens immediately cease playing "I Could Say Less" in public spaces. Instead, the agency advises consumers to transition to the companion track, "Pavement." Government testers confirmed that "Pavement" contains a federally approved ending. Its closing lyric about waking up with less dopamine acts as a natural emotional buffer.
At press time, the commission urged citizens who have already listened to the track to immediately look at a photograph of a dog wearing a small hat to stabilize their dignity.
