TO: All Regional Managers
FROM: Corporate Synergy Division
RE: Calibrating gas prices to staff vital signs
We must address the recent spike in workplace panic. Effective immediately, we are linking regional gas prices directly to the blood pressure of our middle managers. Our data shows that as your stress rises, our profit margins must rise to cushion the blow. This new policy ensures that every time you experience chest tightness, the consumer feels the pinch at the pump.
Stress-Induced Valuation
Our current pricing model remains too stable. We need dynamic, anxiety-based fluctuation. "We noticed a direct correlation between executive panic attacks and quarterly earnings," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. Flense noted that matching gas prices to employee panic creates a more responsive retail ecosystem.
Do not attempt to calm down. We need you highly caffeinated and deeply worried about your deliverables. If your team looks relaxed, you are actively losing the company money. We expect average fuel costs to reach five dollars per gallon by Friday if the logistics department continues to miss their deadlines.
Implementing the Panic Premium
"I started screaming at a copier today," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "Immediately, the gas prices at our local station jumped twelve cents. It felt incredibly empowering." Managers must report all panic attacks to HR. We will update the digital signs at our stations within three minutes of your hyperventilation.
Please remember to log your palpitations in the corporate portal. If we do not see a spike in heart rates, we cannot justify the upcoming winter markup. Let us work together to make this fiscal year the most stressful, and therefore the most profitable, in our history.
Sincerely,
The Executive Committee
Dictated but not read during an emergency board meeting about why our yachts do not have their own smaller, defensive yachts.
