TO: All Refined Products Staff
FROM: Corporate Morale Division
RE: Celebrating the recent Aramco oil facility air events
We must address the ongoing developments in the skies. Several loud, metal objects recently visited our primary industrial zones. Management wants to clarify that these are not hostile projectiles. They represent highly kinetic, unscheduled team-building deliveries. Do not seek shelter under desks. We ask all staff to step outside and catch the falling debris with both hands. This keeps the corporate campus clean and tidy.
High-Velocity Confetti
Our safety specialists have analyzed the incoming payloads. We now classify all incoming shrapnel as heavy-duty industrial confetti. "The loud booms are actually party poppers," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta, who consulted on the internal branding strategy. "We must reframe these disruptions as high-energy corporate milestones." We encourage team members to sing celebratory songs during sudden pressure drops.
Please remember that the Saudi Aramco brand stands for resilience and joy. Any employee caught wearing a helmet will face disciplinary action. Helmets suggest a lack of trust in our positive workplace culture. Instead, we have distributed festive paper party hats to all drilling platforms.
Synergy in the Crater
Our maintenance crews have already transformed the new three-story crater in the eastern parking lot. It is now a collaborative hot tub for the regional sales team. "This is not damage, it is open-concept architecture," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. He noted that the smoke adds a pleasant, rustic ambiance to the lunchroom.
Please delete all personal photos of the burning storage tanks. Replace them with approved corporate clip art of smiling suns. We must protect our stock price from the negative energy of physical reality.
Sincerely,
The Executive Committee
Dictated but not read from our secure underground bunker in Switzerland. Please do not reply to this email, as our local servers are currently melted.
