RALEIGH—A new musical pathogen is sweeping the nation after the release of the Teens In Trouble "I Do" single. Scientists trace the outbreak to the opening line of the fuzzy garage-rock track. The lyric quickly induces a state of extreme, relatable indecision. Health officials warn that listening to the song causes immediate, involuntary eye-rolling.
1. The "Nevermind" Reflex
Patients report saying "I'm fine" before immediately retracting the statement. Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena, confirmed the link. "The Teens In Trouble 'I Do' single bypasses the frontal lobe to trigger instant, decade-old grudges," Mbeki-Ransome stated.
2. Spontaneous Garage Rock Garage Cleaning
The fuzzed-out guitars compel homeowners to organize their garages. However, they stop halfway through to stare angrily at a wall. "I started sweeping," said Raleigh resident Arthur Pendelton. "Then the fuzz kicked in and I remembered my neighbor borrowed my leaf blower in 2018."
3. Sudden Pop-Punk Posture Collapse
The infectious pop-funk bassline forces listeners to slouch at a perfect 45-degree angle. Chiropractors report a 400% increase in teenagers leaning against lockers with sighing fits. The physical manifestation of angst has reached epidemic levels in local high schools.
4. Chronic Remembering of Why You Were Mad
The middle eight of the garage rock track causes a sudden rush of memory. Listeners instantly recall precise reasons for their irritation. "I forgot I was mad at my husband for buying the wrong oat milk," said Raleigh local Sarah Jenkins. "Then Lizzie Killian started singing and it all came rushing back."
5. Total Annihilation of the Wedding Industry
Couples are playing the Teens In Trouble "I Do" single at the altar. Instead of exchanging vows, brides and grooms are just muttering "actually, nevermind" and walking away. Over three hundred weddings ended in sudden, mutual, highly-relatable cancellations this weekend alone.
