LOS ANGELES—The ongoing federal inquiry into modern hip-hop production took an unexpected turn today as prosecutors entered a bizarre piece of evidence showing that producer Dahi is playing catch with himself in a studio parking lot. The record-setting producer, known for his work with Kendrick Lamar and Drake, reportedly resorted to the solo sport out of sheer creative boredom. The defense team entered a shocking audio recording into the record as Exhibit B.
Q: Mr. Calhoun, as Chief Vibes Compliance Officer, did you witness the defendant tossing a Wilson baseball against a brick wall?
A: I did. He was throwing it and catching it with the same glove. He kept mumbling about the lack of bridge sections in modern trap music.
Q: Did he mention any other artists during this solo game?
A: Yes. He said the entire Billboard Hot 100 was just a single loop of a hi-hat. He said that Dahi is playing catch with himself because nobody else knows how to catch a creative pass anymore.
Q: Is it true that this game of catch has now lasted for forty-eight consecutive hours?
A: That is correct. He has thrown seventy-two simulated curveballs. He claims each one represents a scrapped Interscope budget.
Q: And how does this affect the major labels?
A: Well, the entire industry relies on his beats. Since Dahi is playing catch with himself, three major rap albums have been delayed. Executives are panicking because they do not know how to license a self-caught pop fly.
At press time, the court ordered a recess after the witness admitted that most modern snare drums are actually just the sound of a judge's gavel hitting a desk.
