PHILADELPHIA— A federal courtroom erupted in chaos today during a hearing regarding the recent announcement that Dead Oceans signs Star Moles. Legal representation for rival labels questioned Dead Oceans executives. The plaintiffs allege that the indie imprint used illegal metaphysical rituals to manifest the prolific Philadelphia-based songwriter Emily Moales onto their roster. Legal experts believe the outcome of this trial could disrupt how indie labels scout talent.
The Cross-Examination of Dead Oceans
Q: Mr. Vance, is it true that Dead Oceans signs Star Moles only after your staff performed a seance in a basement in Bloomington, Indiana?
A: We prefer to call it advanced A&R. We burned some sage. We played a Secretly Group catalog record backward. It worked.
Q: You are saying she just appeared in your office with a signed contract?
A: Yes. She brought her guitar. She also brought her catalog of dozens of DIY albums.
The Industry Conspiracy Deepens
Q: Let the record show the witness is sweating. Mr. Vance, did you also manifest the Jeff Tweedy endorsement?
A: Jeff Tweedy does what the wind commands. We simply controlled the wind that day. We needed the indie elite to notice her.
Q: So the entire campaign behind the announcement that Dead Oceans signs Star Moles is a coordinated supernatural event?
A: Yes. We also simulated the critical acclaim. We paid three music bloggers in rare colored vinyl to write positive reviews.
Q: Is there anyone in indie rock who is not a projection of your marketing department?
A: Phoebe Bridgers is real. Mitski is real. But we did manifest the current banjo revival using a cursed Ouija board we bought at a garage sale.
Q: This court demands to know the truth. Who actually wrote the new Star Moles song 'Born Again'?
A: An ancient entity we summoned. It loves fuzzy guitars and lo-fi production.
