BROOKLYN—The release of the new track from DIIV, "Kid", has sent the indie rock community into a spiral of deep confusion and intense speculation. The band recorded their upcoming album, ZIRP!, with legendary hyperpop producer A.G. Cook. Fans are now trying to figure out how a band famous for somber, reverb-drenched guitar textures ended up in the same room as the guy who makes Charli XCX sound like a sentient microwave. Here are the five most plausible theories explaining the sonic shift behind DIIV "Kid".
1. The Band Sold Their Guitar Pedals to Buy Energy Drinks
Rumors suggest the band traded their vintage Electro-Harmonix pedals for a lifetime supply of sugar-free Red Bull. "The DIIV 'Kid' sessions required a different kind of speed," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "Our data shows they swapped shoegaze melancholy for high-fructose hyper-pop adrenaline."
2. A.G. Cook Held Them Hostage in a Digital Synthesizer
Some theorists believe the producer literally trapped the band inside a software synthesizer. The glitchy textures on DIIV "Kid" sound suspiciously like four humans trapped in a digital cage. "We heard banging from inside the computer," reported one anonymous studio intern who claims he saw the band shrunk down to MIDI files.
3. They Are Trying to Force Turnstile into a New Genre
The band's press materials claim they are part of a "New Alternative" movement alongside hardcore giants Turnstile. Musicologists believe the frantic tempo of DIIV "Kid" is a direct attempt to force hardcore kids to glowstick-dance. It is a bold strategy that could alienate anyone who wears a Carhartt beanie.
4. The Entire Album Was Recorded on a Defective Tamagotchi
Acoustic purists claim the low-end frequencies on the track are actually digital pet death sounds. "I have never heard a guitar sound so much like a dying virtual chicken," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. Calhoun believes the DIIV "Kid" production signals the end of real wood instruments.
5. The Band Forgot How to Play Slow and Got Scared
At press time, sources confirmed the band simply drank too much coffee, started playing at 180 beats per minute, and were too polite to ask A.G. Cook how to turn off the drum machine.
