TO: All Republican Staffers
FROM: Office of Legislative Strategy
DATE: October 24, 2023
RE: Navigating the new disingenuous mapping rules
The state supreme court recently targeted our map choices. They officially labeled our spatial arguments as "disingenuous." Consequently, we must adjust our redistricting strategies immediately. We can no longer submit boundaries drawn in crayon on Denny's napkins.
New Geographic Standards
Our previous strategy relied on creative cartography. We successfully argued that rivers run sideways when convenient. However, the court now demands real mathematical compliance. This sudden pivot threatens our entire legislative majority.
"We did not anticipate judges actually checking the scale," said Bradley Vance, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Selective Geometry. Vance noted that the state's borders must now align with actual physical landmasses rather than political desires. Staff must stop using the definition of gerrymandering as a how-to guide during official hearings.
Permitted Drawing Tools
From this point forward, please hide all Sharpies. Do not use scissors to physically alter official state topographic maps. If a judge asks to see your data, do not present a Magic 8-Ball.
"We must appear highly analytical," said Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI, who consulted on our public relations response. "If you must lie about a county line, do it with a very complex Excel spreadsheet." Adebayo-Kowalski warned that further violations of these disingenuous mapping rules could result in us actually losing elections.
Sincerely,
The Committee to Keep the Lines Weird
Editor's Note: This memo was recovered from a recycling bin behind the state capitol. It was wrapped around a half-eaten ham sandwich.
