TO: National Strategic Committee
FROM: Gary Vane, Director of Spatial Gerrymandering
RE: Confirming that the Democrats' advantage is clear ahead of November
Team, we must secure our lead. Recent analysis confirms the Democrats' advantage is clear if we execute Phase 4. We will physically relocate the state of Kentucky thirty miles to the left. This adjustment will resolve our unfavorable geographic distribution. Field offices must begin distributing heavy-duty tow straps immediately.
The Spatial Realignment Strategy
Our logistical partners completed the preliminary rigging of the Ohio River yesterday. We expect some resistance from local bedrock. However, our internal polling shows voters prefer a slightly shifted horizon over economic instability. We have secured several industrial winches. These winches will pull the entire state boundary into a more favorable congressional alignment.
"We did the math on the traditional campaign trail," said Gary Vane, Director of Spatial Gerrymandering at the Democratic National Committee. "It is much cheaper to drag the voters than to convince them. This physical shift ensures the Democrats' advantage is clear across all major television markets." Vane urged volunteers to wear steel-toed boots during the shift.
Logistical Hurdles
Some staff members have raised concerns about the structural integrity of the Appalachian Mountains. Do not worry. Engineering consultants from the Federal Highway Administration assured us the mountains will slide smoothly. We will lubricate the state line using surplus canola oil. This process will begin Tuesday at midnight.
"We expect minor seismic activity near Lexington," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "But a minor earthquake is a small price to pay for a supermajority."
Please delete this email after reading. We must not let the public know that our entire electoral strategy relies on a massive system of ropes and pulleys designed to drag moderate suburbs into safer districts. If anyone asks, tell them we are just doing a routine soil rotation.
