NASHVILLE— Country music legends and pop icons gathered online today as Dolly Parton tributes quickly devolved into a frantic, public bidding war for her secret recipe for Southern butterfly pastries.
The Fight For The Secret Recipe
Parton, who passed away peacefully at age 80, reportedly took her famous dessert formula to her grave. Fellow artists seemed more interested in the butter-to-sugar ratio than her musical legacy. "Dolly was a light in this dark world," said singer Reba McEntire in an official statement. "But more importantly, she promised me that recipe on her deathbed, and I expect her estate to honor that verbal contract immediately."
By noon, the scramble threatened to overshadow all other Dolly Parton tributes. Pop star Beyoncé released a 12-minute tribute video that featured eight minutes of her searching Parton’s old dressing rooms. "We love you, Dolly," Beyoncé said in the video. "Please check your iCloud drafts. I know you wrote the secret down somewhere."
An Industry in Pastry Crisis
Industry insiders expressed concern over the aggressive tone of the memorials. "We expected tears, not corporate espionage," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "Paul McCartney literally tried to bribe the coroner for her recipe rolodex. It is a dark day for acoustic music and baking alike."
As the afternoon progressed, the Dolly Parton tributes turned even more chaotic. Kacey Musgraves and Jack White reportedly hired private investigators to search Parton's Dollywood theme park for a hidden bakery vault.
At press time, Parton’s estate confirmed she buried the recipe in a time capsule that will not open until the year 2145, prompting Cyndi Lauper to purchase a shovel.
