TO: All Brand Strategy Personnel
FROM: Victoria's Secret Executive Board
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Threat Level Red: Tinashe Popstar Critical Acclaim
Immediate Threat Assessment
The universal Tinashe Popstar critical acclaim has compromised our runway strategy. We hired her for the 2026 fashion show expecting standard, easily digestible pop music. Instead, critics love the album. Pitchfork gave it a high score. This level of artistic validation threatens our core business model.
"We panic when an artist makes genuine art," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "Highbrow praise confuses shoppers looking for basic runway anthems. The Tinashe Popstar critical acclaim breaks the traditional corporate sponsorship funnel."
Approved Countermeasures
Effective immediately, all staff must refer to the album as 'mildly viral background noise.' Do not engage with music critics on Twitter. If a guest mentions the album's complex production, hand them a scented lotion sample and walk away.
"Our algorithms cannot process authentic critical success," noted Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI. "We requested a simple pop album. We received a nuanced sonic triumph. We are currently trying to downgrade the audio quality for the runway edit."
Sincerely,
The Management
(Dictated but not read, as we are currently trying to figure out how to sell glitter body mist during a track with complex syncopation)
