TO: All Tour Personnel, Opening Acts, and Stage Hands
FROM: Barry Vance, Executive Vice President of Audience Pacification at Gingerbread Man Records
RE: Guidelines for the Ed Sheeran Tour after the Ed Sheeran stage speech
We must address the recent incident at Gillette Stadium. Security escorted our previous opening act off the premises. We cannot tolerate political discourse on this tour. Moving forward, all opening acts must submit their setlists for geometry approval. The singer’s brand relies on absolute neutrality.
The Geometry of Silence
Our research shows that audiences want simple shapes. They do not want complex geopolitics. We are implementing the "Neutral Shapes Policy" immediately. Openers may only sing about circles, squares, and occasionally isosceles triangles. Do not mention borders. Do not mention history. Keep your lyrics focused on basic algebra. The recent Gillette Stadium incident almost ruined our corporate sponsorships.
"We need to keep the energy focused on mild disappointment," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "The audience paid to hear loop pedals. They did not pay to think about global human suffering. Our data proves that minor chords cause too much self-reflection anyway. We might ban them next week."
Approved Emotional Ranges
Our legal team has drafted a list of approved emotions. Artists may express mild confusion about dating. They may express moderate enthusiasm for rainy days in London. They must not express opinions on sovereign states. We must protect the integrity of the Ed Sheeran stage speech at all costs.
"I joined this tour to sing my songs," said Linda Glimmer, a newly hired opening folk artist. "But now my acoustic guitar has a sensor. It shocks me if I play a chord that sounds too angry. I have to sing about rectangles for forty minutes. It is very lucrative."
We appreciate your immediate cooperation in this matter. We must protect our stadium assets. If you even look at a newspaper, security will replace you with a playlist of acoustic covers of Coldplay. Let us make this the most profitable, silent tour in history.
