WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent consumer alert today regarding the new brakence single. Government officials ordered an immediate product recall of the song brakence ready or noT due to severe sensory hazards. The track represents the artist's first release since his 2022 album Hypochondriac. However, federal inspectors claim the new frequencies exceed safe human limits.
Severe Audiological Hazards Detected
Government testing revealed that the song contains high-frequency glitch edits. These edits can cause sudden, involuntary muscle spasms in listeners. "We registered unsafe levels of micro-bass stutters in the chorus," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "Our laboratory mice attempted to breakdance but instead suffered complete spatial disorientation. The song brakence ready or noT is simply too twitchy for standard human nervous systems."
The recall affects all digital streams, downloads, and the accompanying music video directed by Quadeca. Authorities estimate that over 500,000 units of the audio file have already contaminated the Spotify and Apple Music ecosystems. Regulators advise users to delete the files immediately.
Recommended Remedies for Consumers
The agency urges affected listeners to replace the song with low-stimulation acoustic folk music. "We are asking the public to remain calm," said Marcus Bellweather, Deputy Director of Sonic Safety at the FDA. "If you have listened to brakence ready or noT, please sit in a quiet room. Avoid neon lights. Do not attempt to process any more complex computer noises for at least forty-eight hours."
At press time, the commission announced that those unable to stop humming the glitchy chorus would receive a government-issued coupon for one free, soothing Norah Jones CD.
