WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an immediate recall notice today for the upcoming Quavo QRÖMELIFE tracklist due to severe biological hazards. Agency officials flagged the Pharrell-produced album after preliminary laboratory testing. The tracklist features high-risk guest contributions from Justin Timberlake, Tyler, The Creator, and Future.
Severe Risk of Retroactive Grooves
Regulators warned that playing the Quavo QRÖMELIFE tracklist aloud causes instant physical disorientation. "We observed test subjects trying to do the Dougie and the Carlton simultaneously," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at the Federal Audio Administration. "The combination of Justin Timberlake's falsetto and Pharrell's four-count start creates a temporal rift. Consumer safety is our top priority."
The hazard involves approximately twelve tracks of unreleased audio. The agency warns that the Tyler, The Creator guest verse contains frequencies that make houseplants wither instantly. Officials urge citizens to avoid any digital downloads of the Pharrell-produced tracks.
Approved Remedy and Disposal Instructions
"We are asking the public to delete all promotional screenshots of the tracklist," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior Coordinator of Sonic Hazard Mitigation. "If you have already viewed the tracklist, please flush your eyes with saline solution. Do not attempt to hum the Future melody under any circumstances."
At press time, federal agents are actively raiding Quavo's hard drives to replace the hazardous material with safe, low-vibe acoustic covers of Ed Sheeran songs.
