WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an immediate recall notice today regarding the viral listicle titled Tinashe POPSTAR Ranked. Government inspectors discovered severe structural hazards within the digital ranking of the artist's sleek eighth studio album. The agency warns that consuming the reviews of all 16 tracks in rapid succession can cause acute inner ear whiplash. Consumers should stop reading the list immediately to avoid permanent balance issues.
Severe Decibel Imbalance Detected
Federal investigators launched the probe after dozens of music bloggers reported feelings of extreme vertigo. The hazard stems from the abrupt transition between the critique of the bass-heavy title track and the smoother R&B B-sides. The ranking system lacks the necessary auditory shock absorbers required by federal law. The agency published the official warning on the Consumer Product Safety Commission database early Tuesday morning.
The affected units include all digital formats of the Tinashe POPSTAR Ranked listicle published across major music outlets. Users who scrolled past track nine experienced sudden, involuntary head bobbing. "We found a complete lack of transitional signage between the ranking of 'No Broke Boys' and 'Grip'," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "The emotional friction alone created enough static electricity to singe three local servers."
Mandatory Remediation Procedures
The government ordered the immediate removal of the ranking from all active web browsers. The remedy requires publishers to install safety buffers between each ranked song. These buffers must contain at least three paragraphs of boring financial news to cool down the reader's brain. The manufacturer has agreed to fund free ear canal inspections for anyone who read the entire top five in one sitting.
At press time, federal agents were seen seizing hard drives containing draft copies of a upcoming Tinashe discography ranking to prevent a localized tectonic event.
