WASHINGTON—The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a nationwide product recall of all active government bonds issued between 2020 and the present day. Federal regulators cited a severe design defect. The securities currently pose a critical risk of inducing sudden, irreversible comas in average retail investors.
Severe Drowsiness Risks
"We discovered that merely reading the yield chart on government bonds causes immediate cognitive shutdown," said Marcus Vance, Deputy Inspector of Financial Sedatives at the Bureau of Consumer Protection. "We tested these securities on healthy volunteers. Within four seconds of looking at the maturity dates, eighty percent of subjects fell into a deep sleep. Their brains simply gave up."
The agency classified the product recall as Class I. This means exposure to the financial instruments can lead to severe boredom. Regulators warned citizens not to handle physical bond certificates without wearing protective, high-stimulation eyewear. Some investors reportedly woke up hours later with their faces pressed against their keyboards.
The Oil Coolant Hazard
Officials trace the defect to a failure in the national economic cooling system. When global oil prices slipped, the bonds lost their volatile energy. They became dangerously stable. This stability created a vacuum of excitement that sucks the consciousness right out of anyone nearby. The Bloomberg terminal network has already installed warning sirens to prevent traders from drifting off at their desks.
"We advise all consumers to immediately stop looking at their portfolios," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "If you own these government bonds, place them in a dark drawer. Cover them with a high-octane cryptocurrency statement to balance the energy."
The remedy for affected units involves exchanging the government bonds for high-risk lottery tickets. The Treasury Department promises these will offer much healthier spikes in adrenaline. At press time, federal agents were actively confiscating treasury bills from retirement homes to prevent a mass hibernation event.
