WASHINGTON—Court records released Tuesday revealed that ongoing peace talks between global powers have zero connection to real-world diplomacy. The unsealed transcript from federal court shows negotiators focusing entirely on petty rivalries. Attorneys cross-examined defense officials about how high-stakes foreign policy devolved into personal feuds.
THE COURT: Counsel, you may call your next witness.
MS. HARPER: State your full name and occupation for the record.
MR. VANCE: Gregory Vance. I am the Lead Negotiator for the State Department.
MS. HARPER: Mr. Vance, let us discuss the recent high-level diplomatic summit. Did your team evaluate humanitarian conditions during the peace talks?
MR. VANCE: No. We spent four hours arguing over who gets the larger swivel chair. The peace talks were purely a matter of optics.
MS. HARPER: I see. So border security was not a priority?
MR. VANCE: Not at all. We actually based our entire strategy on an argument from a group chat. You can read about standard diplomatic procedure on State.gov, but we ignored all of it.
MS. HARPER: So global leaders ignored key economic factors during these peace talks?
MR. VANCE: Yes. My boss just wanted to ruin his former roommate's weekend. That was the main goal.
MS. HARPER: Is it true that the entire foreign policy establishment operates this way?
MR. VANCE: Absolutely. Goldman Sachs does the exact same thing. Every major treaty since 2012 came from a dare. We just draft documents to annoy specific individuals.
MS. HARPER: So nobody is actually trying to solve global conflicts during peace talks?
MR. VANCE: Correct. It is just endless spite. At press time, the defense department agreed to launch a drone strike solely to win a fantasy football league.
