WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a nationwide recall today for the Susanna Hoffs and Rufus Wainwright song “Bad Case Of Loneliness.” Federal regulators classified the track as a Class I hazard. This designation means the product can cause immediate, involuntary emotional collapse. The agency warned citizens to cease listening immediately.
Hazard Level Critical
“We detected unsafe levels of melancholy in the vocal stems,” said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. “Our test dummies suffered damp cheeks within four seconds of the first chorus. The combination of Hoffs' sweet tone and Wainwright's operatic despair creates a resonance frequency that actively dissolves human resolve.”
The recall affects all digital streams of the Susanna Hoffs single released this week. Government officials urge users to delete the file from their devices. Spotify and Apple Music have cooperated by placing digital biohazard banners over the track.
Remedy and Exchange Details
“We are asking the public to exchange the Susanna Hoffs track for something with a tempo above 120 beats per minute,” stated Marcus Vance, Deputy Director of Audio Safety. “If you have been exposed to this bad case of loneliness, please look at a picture of a golden retriever puppy. Do not attempt to drive a car while contemplating your past relationship choices.”
At press time, federal agents were seen wearing heavy-duty earplugs while confiscating vinyl test pressings of the dangerous ballad.
