WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission, in coordination with the Federal Reserve System, announced a voluntary recall of all interest rate hikes issued over the past fiscal year. Regulators determined that the rate hikes pose a severe choking hazard to small businesses and over-leveraged tech startups. The affected units include all rate hikes ranging from 25 to 75 basis points. Consumers must immediately stop using these interest rate hikes and return their capital to a liquid state.
Severe Risk of Financial Asphyxiation
"We discovered a critical design flaw in the latest batch of rate hikes," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "They restrict the flow of cheap credit to the brain of the enterprise. This causes immediate panic, thrashing, and eventual bankruptcy. We urge all venture capitalists to keep these interest rate hikes out of reach of children and junior partners." The agency launched the investigation after thirty-five regional banks reported feeling lightheaded.
The regulator advised businesses to check their balance sheets for the serial numbers of affected rate hikes. Any business experiencing shortness of cash flow should contact the central bank immediately. The Federal Reserve expects to replace the defective hikes with a softer, foam-based monetary policy by next quarter.
Remedy and Compensation Details
"Our priority is public safety and cheap mortgages," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "We did not intend for these interest rate hikes to be swallowed whole by the commercial real estate sector. If you have ingested an interest rate hike, please induce a federal bailout immediately." The government will offer full refunds in the form of freshly minted, highly depreciated currency notes.
At press time, the Federal Reserve announced that future interest rate hikes would ship with child-proof safety caps that require a PhD in macroeconomics to open.
