WASHINGTON, D.C.— The Consumer Product Safety Commission today issued an emergency recall of the newly released Elvis Costello track, "I Turn Around (Original Version)." Government inspectors found the song contains hazardous levels of unresolved, 49-year-old anger. Regulators ordered the immediate removal of the track from all streaming servers and turntable needles. The recall targets the song from the upcoming My Aim Is True 49th Anniversary Edition.
Severe Hazard Warning
Government testers detected toxic levels of passive-aggression in the track's bridge. This poses a direct threat to modern listeners. "Exposure to the 1977 vocal track caused immediate teeth-itching in laboratory mice," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify. "The raw spite levels exceeded the federal limit by 400 percent. We advise all users to stop listening immediately."
The recall affects all digital files and physical vinyl pressings of "I Turn Around." Federal agents have already seized several warehouse shipments. They wore specialized acoustic earplugs to prevent sudden-onset cynicism. Regulators fear the song could trigger spontaneous arguments about punk credentials in suburban households.
Remedy And Refund Instructions
Consumers must delete the track from their libraries. They can exchange it for a safer, computerized pop song. "We are offering a clean swap," said Brenda Vance, Chief of Acoustic Safety at the CPSC. "Affected citizens can trade the Costello track for a harmless, AI-generated acoustic cover of a corporate jingle. It has zero emotional weight. Your teeth will stop itching immediately."
At press time, federal officials were seen wearing hazmat suits while attempting to safely neutralize the sneer on Costello's album cover.
