WASHINGTON—Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman skipped several official duties this month to attend a touring Shrek-themed electronic dance music festival. A leaked calendar confirmed the senator prioritized green body paint over his legislative calendar.
1. A Solumn Memorial Service
Fetterman skipped a crucial memorial service for fallen municipal officers. Instead, he spent six hours in a sweaty warehouse dancing to a dubstep remix of 'All Star' by Smash Mouth. He allegedly wore a neon green bucket hat.
2. The Senate Armed Services Committee Hearing
The senator missed a critical national security briefing regarding global defense strategy. According to Fetterman's official Wikipedia page, he serves on several key committees. However, witnesses saw him purchasing glow sticks from a vendor named 'Fiona's Foot Soldier' in downtown Philadelphia.
3. A Town Hall with Disabled Veterans
Fetterman cancelled a long-standing roundtable discussion with local veterans. "We waited three hours for him," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs, who attended the event. "We later discovered he was busy eating onion rings in a mock-swamp VIP lounge."
4. A Pediatric Hospital Ribbon-Cutting
The senator completely ignored a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new children's cancer wing. Staff members expressed deep disappointment. Reports indicate Fetterman was actively participating in a donkey-costume dance contest at the time.
5. His Own Re-election Strategy Meeting
Fetterman abandoned his campaign staff during a high-stakes strategy dinner. Staffers eventually tracked his phone to a strobe-lit basement. "He told us his constituency resides in Far Far Away," said one anonymous aide close to the campaign. At press time, Fetterman issued a press release demanding the Senate floor be covered in woodchips and peat moss.
