HOUSTON—Beyoncé shocked the music world today by releasing a massive 31-song digital edition of her classic 2006 album, but fans noticed something strange about the star-studded Beyoncé B’Day reissue lineup.
1. Selena Quintanilla Sings About Modern Bluetooth Pairing Issues
The late Tejano queen appears on a previously unreleased Pharrell track. However, her estate confirmed the vocals came from a 1994 soundcheck. She spent three minutes complaining about a faulty microphone cable. Producers autotuned the static into a stunning three-part harmony.
2. Maluma Thought He Was Ordering a Sandwich
Colombian superstar Maluma features on a high-energy reggaeton remix. He reportedly recorded his verse during a chaotic drive-thru run in Miami. "We tapped his phone," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. "He ordered a spicy chicken wrap, but with the right beat, it sounds like a sultry invitation to the dance floor."
3. Celia Cruz Sings a Full Verse of Terms and Conditions
The legendary Celia Cruz brings her trademark energy to a new club anthem. Producers constructed her entire performance from old radio promos. She spend forty seconds shouting the legal disclaimer for a defunct Florida car dealership. The estate of the salsa icon called the track "vibrant yet legally binding."
4. A Lost Pharrell Collab Consists Entirely of Mouth Noises
The much-hyped vault track with Pharrell Williams features no instruments. Instead, it relies on the producer mimicking a drum machine for four minutes. The song on the Beyoncé B’Day reissue represents his experimental "human beatbox but with asthma" phase.
5. The Final Track Features a Local Houston Plumber
The album closes with a dramatic ballad featuring a man named Gary. Gary fixed a leak at Beyoncé’s studio in 2005. The engineers kept the microphone running while Gary explained why PVC pipes fail in the winter. It is currently projected to debut at number one on the Billboard Hot 100.
