TO: All Editorial Staff
FROM: Gary Vance, Senior VP of Lyric Logic at Interscope
RE: Urgent investigation into the new Quiet Light cover of Ms* Gloom's 'Hi, Society'
We must address the cultural fallout from Riya Mahesh's latest release. Her brilliant Quiet Light cover has broken our standard automated comprehension software. The system flagged the lyrics as a potential ancient curse. Specifically, the line 'Bless the shrimp, tap water' caused our server room to overheat. We need all staff to report to Room 4B for mandatory interpretation training.
The Shrimp Protocol
"Our algorithms are built for basic metaphors like 'baby' and 'the club,'" said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "But this Ms* Gloom track combined with Mahesh's hushed delivery has created a vibe vortex. We cannot tell if 'Harry Potter' is a metaphor for the housing market. We cannot tell if 'tap water' is a threat. Until we know, we cannot pitch this to Spotify's 'Chill Lofi Beats to Hide From Your Landlord' playlist."
Legal has already blocked the track in three states. They fear the 'shrimp' line violates local seafood marketing laws. We must remain calm. Do not search for the lyrics on corporate Wi-Fi. We have already lost three interns to existential dread.
New Americana Compliance
"The song sounds like Halsey reading a grocery list in an empty church," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "It is beautiful, but it is dangerously confusing for target demographics. We are ordering a full audit of all crustacean-related indie pop immediately."
Please sign the attached NDA. We must keep this Quiet Light cover quiet until we can explain the shrimp to our shareholders. If the board finds out we do not understand tap water, our stock will plummet.
Sincerely, Gary. (Sent from my iPhone while eating unblessed shrimp at Red Lobster).