WASHINGTON—The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, in cooperation with the Federal Reserve, announced a voluntary recall of the August inflation report after reports of spontaneous combustion. The document contains volatile figures regarding spiking oil prices and rising interest rates. Officials warn that the numbers are highly unstable and pose a severe risk of cognitive distress to consumers.
Hazardous Financial Data
"We found that the numbers in the inflation report were expanding at a dangerous rate," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. She noted that the figures could burst if exposed to any additional economic pressure. "We advise all citizens to unplug their calculators immediately. Do not attempt to calculate your grocery bill at home."
The recall affects approximately 330 million units of the inflation report distributed across digital media platforms and physical newsrooms. Federal agents have already quarantined several spreadsheets in the Tri-State area. The Federal Reserve urges the public to return any printed copies to their nearest Treasury office for a full refund of zero dollars.
Remedy and Replacement
"The data simply grew too fast for the paper to hold it," said Rusty Calhoun, acting safety inspector for the Department of Commerce. "If you see an interest rate hike on your screen, do not make eye contact with it." Calhoun recommended that citizens replace the inflation report with soothing pictures of puppies until further notice.
At press time, the Federal Reserve announced they would replace the faulty report with a new, heavily sedated version where all prices remain a flat, non-threatening four dollars.
