TO: Fontaines D.C. Band Members
FROM: Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Post-Punk Bio-Acoustics
RE: Directives for promotion of Fontaines D.C. Tongue
As we prepare for the release of Dopamine Chamber, we must address the physical delivery of the track. The board is thrilled with the single. However, legal has flagged several safety concerns regarding your live performances. Do not, under any circumstances, swirl your tongues while performing Fontaines D.C. Tongue. Keep them completely flat.
The Danger of Kinetic Swirling
Our research team analyzed the Dublin post-punk scene. We found that unregulated tongue movement creates dangerous wind tunnels in small clubs. We cannot afford another lawsuit. Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena, warns that 'uncontrolled oral agitation during a post-punk chorus can permanently alter local weather patterns.'
You must sing Fontaines D.C. Tongue with a stiff, motionless jaw. We require a cold, dead-eyed delivery. Do not smile. Do not enunciate. We have insured Grian Chatten’s vocal cords for four million dollars. That policy is void if he attempts a trill.
Corporate Mandates for Live Shows
Furthermore, we are banning all physical contact during the upcoming tour. Fans are not allowed to stick their tongues out at the stage. This is a direct response to the Fontaines D.C. brand guidelines. We want to maintain a dark, gloomy atmosphere. Joy is strictly prohibited.
We believe this strategy will maximize our streaming revenue. It also prevents any accidental tongue-related injuries on stage. Thank you for your compliance. Let us make this album a financial triumph.
Sincerely,
The Management
(Sent from my iPhone. If we do not make a million dollars off this track, I am selling the band's catalog to a corporate mayonnaise commercial.)
