WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a mandatory recall today of the French Oi Crew Squelette EP, titled Soir d’Orage. Federal regulators issued the warning after discovering the five-song release contains dangerously high levels of post-punk attitude. The agency confirmed that the French Oi Crew Squelette EP poses an immediate risk of cool contamination to unsuspecting listeners.
Severe Side Effects Reported
According to federal officials, the French Oi Crew Squelette EP causes rapid physical mutations upon a single playback. "We have documented cases of immediate leather jacket growth," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Subjects also developed sudden, unexplained scowls and a strong desire to stand near damp brick walls in the rain. This oi music is simply too potent for the average domestic consumer."
The recall affects all digital streams, vinyl pressings, and cassette tapes imported from Paris. The agency warns that the band's echo-drenched rhythm section can cause severe rhythmic nodding. This nodding may lead to permanent neck stiffness or a career in music journalism.
Approved Remedy and Disposal Instructions
"We are advising all citizens to quarantine their headphones immediately," said Harold Finch, Deputy Director of Aesthetic Hazards at the CPSC. "Do not attempt to dilute the coolness by listening to Ed Sheeran directly afterward. The contrast will cause emotional whiplash."
Consumers who purchased the French Oi Crew Squelette EP must delete the files immediately. The government offers a full refund in the form of a beige cardigan and a acoustic guitar folk album. At press time, federal agents were struggling to contain a secondary outbreak of French post-punk coolness in Quebec.
