TO: All Youth Outreach Staffers
FROM: Bureau of Youth Voter Regret Management
RE: Handling Gen Z voter regret regarding recent political decisions
We need to address the surge in Gen Z voter regret. Millions of young people now feel intense remorse. They realize their ironic ballots had real consequences. Effective immediately, all field agents must deploy Standard Coping Protocol 4-B. We must contain the sadness before it impacts merch sales.
Phase One: Shifting the Blame
Staffers must provide voters with ready-made excuses. Do not let them take personal responsibility. "Tell them it was a viral social media prank," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "If that fails, blame the algorithm or astrological transits. No twenty-year-old should carry the emotional weight of their own civic actions."
Always maintain a supportive tone. Validate their sudden desire to move to Portugal. Offer them branded stress balls. Remind them that four years is actually very short in cosmic time.
Phase Two: Distraction Tactics
If a constituent brings up the economy, pivot immediately. Show them a video of a capybara wearing a tiny hat. "Distraction is our greatest tool," said Chloe Vance, Senior Vice President of Youth Disillusionment at Pew Research Center. "We find that a single well-timed dance trend can completely erase a voter's policy concerns for up to six weeks."
Never admit the campaign promised impossible things. Simply state that the promises were conceptual art pieces. Art is open to interpretation.
Sincerely,
Management
(Dictated but not read, because we are currently packing our own bags for Canada)
