TO: All Centrist Coalition Campaign Staffers
FROM: Dr. Lutz Grüber, Chief Mood Architect
RE: Urgent Strategy to Stop the German Political Parties Panic
We must address the current vibe crisis immediately. Recent polling shows German political parties are losing ground. Our internal research proves a direct link between voters feeling sad and voters choosing the far-right. Therefore, we are banning sadness effective immediately. Staffers must physically adjust the faces of voters if necessary.
Phase One: Mandatory Smiling Zones
We will establish Happy Zones near all major polling stations. Citizens entering these zones must wear the approved cardboard smile masks. "We cannot allow negative emotions to dictate the future of our democracy," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify, whom we hired as a consultant. Bellweather advised us to loop upbeat acoustic guitar music through all city speakers.
We have also instructed local police to confiscate all dark clothing. Citizens must wear bright pastel colors until the election ends. Anyone caught sighing in public will face a steep fine. We must project absolute, forced joy at all costs.
Phase Two: Rebranding Reality
If a voter complains about the economy, you must laugh loudly. Tell them their struggle is actually a fun rustic lifestyle choice. We are also renaming inflation to "currency excitement." German political parties must remain associated only with positive, bouncy energy.
Please note that anyone who cries during our rallies will be escorted out by the Happiness Patrol. We cannot let the media capture any moisture on human faces. Our goal is a sterile, grinning populace that votes out of pure, terrified compliance.
Sincerely,
Dr. Lutz Grüber
Dictated but not read because looking at letters makes me feel slightly melancholic.
