MADISON, WI—A federal grand jury convened this morning to investigate the public safety hazards of the new single Graham Hunt Track, “Guardian Angel’s Arms.” The class-action lawsuit alleges that the song’s dense layers of Midwestern fuzz-pop caused several listeners’ ears to physically sprout tiny, flannel-wrapped speaker cones. Attorneys representing the National Association of Clean Audio entered a transcript of the cross-examination into the record today.
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Marcus Bellweather. I am the Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify. I curate the moods. I make the people feel the gentle hum of capitalism.
Q: Mr. Bellweather, what happened when your team analyzed the new Graham Hunt Track?
A: Our algorithms suffered immediate thermal runaway. Hunt recorded this at Pachyderm Studios with an eight-piece band. That is too many Midwesterners in one room. The sheer volume of analog warmth bypassed our safety limiters. It triggered a localized humidity spike in our server farms.
Q: Is it true that the fuzz-pop genre is a front for a larger conspiracy?
A: Yes. The entire indie rock industry relies on low-fidelity coercion. We use the hiss to mask subliminal messages. Mostly, we tell people to buy overpriced cassettes and grow patchy beards. Every major label has a Vice President of Saturation. They deliberately degrade the MP3s to make teenagers feel nostalgic for years they were not alive yet.
Q: So you admit that the Graham Hunt Track is a danger to public health?
A: It is a beautiful, hook-filled hazard. The chorus of "Guardian Angel's Arms" is so sticky it violated FDA guidelines for adhesive substances. If the public hears those guitars, they will reject our clean, corporate trap beats entirely.
At press time, the bailiff was seen nodding his head in 4/4 time while trying to suppress a sudden urge to buy a vintage guitar pedal.
