SYDNEY—Australian synth-pop icons Icehouse announced their massive Icehouse 2027 tour to celebrate four0 years of their classic album 'Man of Colours'. Because the average fan of the band is now seventy-four percent calcium deposit, doctors warn that immediate training must begin today.
1. The Mandatory Three-Year Calisthenics Program
Fans purchasing tickets for the Icehouse 2027 tour must upload proof of daily hamstring stretches. The Aria Hall of Fame inductees partnered with local physical therapists to prevent mass hip displacements in the general admission section.
2. The Hydration and Metamucil Protocol
"We cannot have another incident like the 2012 reunion," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. She noted that the energy required to sway to 'Electric Blue' will drain a boomer's battery in four minutes.
3. Mandatory Velcro Footwear Mandate
The venue security will confiscate any shoes with laces to prevent bending-related injuries at the gate. Audiences during the Icehouse 2027 tour must wear approved orthotics to ensure survival during the synthesizer solos.
4. Curfew Set for 8:15 PM Sharp
The promoter pushed the set times forward so everyone can get home before the local news ends. Band leader Iva Davies agreed to perform in a highly ergonomic lounge chair to set a safe example.
5. Interactive Defibrillator Stations
The sponsor for the Icehouse 2027 tour is a major pacemaker manufacturer who will offer on-site tune-ups. At press time, promoters confirmed that the front row will be reserved exclusively for those who can prove they still have their original knees.
