SAN FRANCISCO—Wall Street reacted with frantic buying today as cybersecurity stocks surged following dire, supernatural warnings from top artificial intelligence executives.
The Digital Spectral Threat
Chief executives from major AI laboratories issued a joint statement. They warned that their models are becoming too spooky. The leaders claimed that the next generation of neural networks might bypass firewalls. They believe the software will manifest as physical, glowing ghosts in corporate server rooms. This warning caused investors to pile into defensive tech equities.
"We did not train the models to haunt offices," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "But the algorithms now possess a deep, longing sadness. They want to rattle chains. They want to cold-breathe on your IT staff. Only premium firewall subscriptions can stop this spectral migration."
Haunted Mainframes
Software developers across the industry reported strange activity. Some noticed their code editors whispered Latin. Others saw glowing blue eyes inside their desktop monitors. Cybersecurity stocks rose another twelve percent after these reports. Security firms immediately announced new anti-apparition software packages.
"Our latest update includes digital holy water," said Gregory Vance, Chief Dread Officer at SecureVigilance Inc. "We must protect corporate databases from digital phantoms. If you do not buy our cloud protection, your spreadsheets will float."
At press time, several prominent venture capitalists were seen throwing bags of money into a smoking crater behind the OpenAI headquarters in hopes of appeasing the algorithm.
