WASHINGTON—A House subcommittee launched a formal probe yesterday to investigate how Ella Langley's Dandelion reclaimed the top spot on the Billboard 200 albums chart. Lawmakers suspect the country star used ancient Appalachian rituals to bypass standard streaming algorithms. The inquiry aims to uncover how the record bypassed heavyweights like Ariana_Grande and Beyoncé to secure the throne once again.
The Testimony Begins
Q: State your name and occupation for the record, please.
A: My name is Marcus Bellweather. I am the Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify.
Q: Mr. Bellweather, does your platform possess the power to make Ella Langley's Dandelion the most popular record in America overnight?
A: We do not control the listeners. We merely nudge them. If a user listens to a podcast about true crime, we queue up Ella Langley's Dandelion. It is standard industry practice.
Q: So you admit to subconscious emotional manipulation to alter the Billboard charts?
A: Yes. But so does everyone else. Columbia Records has a satellite that beams acoustic guitar frequencies directly into the water supply.
The Industry Confession
Q: Are you telling this committee that the entire music industry is a simulated illusion?
A: Obviously. We do not even ship physical vinyl anymore. We just mail empty cardboard squares with QR codes that lead to silence. The silence counts as three streams.
Q: And what about the sudden resurgence of Beyoncé in the top ten this week?
A: We activated the smart-fridges. Every time a consumer opened their refrigerator, the door hummed her latest single. It is a very efficient system.
At press time, the committee chairman declared the hearing adjourned after his own gavel began playing Ella Langley's Dandelion upon hitting the wooden block.
