CUPERTINO, CA—Apple recently announced its latest foldable device. Tech bloggers expect the upcoming iPhone Duo Max to dominate the smartphone market. However, early testers report the massive dual-screen device introduces several devastating physical and social complications to the daily human experience.
1. The Screen Is Wide Enough to Show Your Whole Failed Budget
The extra screen real estate allows you to view your entire banking disaster without scrolling. Users can now view their crippling debt in high-definition OLED colors. "It made my financial ruin feel cinematic," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs.
2. It Requires a Two-Handed Handshake Just to Open
Opening the device requires a muscular strength not seen in phone users since 1998. The hinge mechanism is so stiff that users must plant their feet to open the iPhone Duo Max. Doctors warn of a new medical condition called "Apple elbow" spreading across Silicon Valley.
3. The Crease in the Middle Perfectly Splits Your Child's Face in Photos
The plastic crease running down the center of the display guarantees a distorted view. Every family photo will look like a cubist painting. Your spouse will always look like they are looking in two different directions at once.
4. It Emits a High-Pitch Screaming Sound When Folded Too Quickly
To prevent damage, Apple installed an audio warning system. Folding the iPhone Duo Max shut in a hurry triggers an 85-decibel screech. This screech mimics a frightened barn owl to startle you into being gentler with your $2,000 investment.
5. It Will Inevitably Snap in Half Over Your Knee During an Argument
The temptation to fold the phone backward is too strong. During any standard domestic dispute, you will bend the screen the wrong way. At press time, Apple technicians confirmed that the warranty does not cover tantrums related to text message typos.
