WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a national recall of the Aqua-Rescue Emergency Lake Landing Kit today. Federal investigators linked the safety device to episodes of uncontrollable sobbing among Wisconsin politicians who survive water-based plane crashes. The recall affects approximately 10,000 units distributed to private airfields throughout the Midwest.
Severe Emotional Side Effects
Regulators launched an investigation after a U.S. Representative from Wisconsin wept openly while recounting his survival of an emergency lake landing. The emergency lake landing kit, designed to deploy a one-man inflatable raft, contains a chemical bonding agent that emits highly concentrated emotional vapors. These vapors force otherwise stoic lawmakers to describe routine swimming as a biblical miracle.
"We designed the raft to save lives, not to turn rugged Midwestern conservatives into weeping poets," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "A standard emergency lake landing kit should only produce mild shivering. It should never cause a grown man to tearfully describe the temperature of Lake Wausau to a room of silent reporters."
Remedy and Replacement
The commission urges all pilots to immediately remove the emergency lake landing kit from their aircraft. The manufacturer offers a free replacement kit that replaces the emotional bonding agent with a numbing agent. This ensures survivors remain completely stoic during post-crash media appearances.
"Our research shows that voters prefer their survivors dry and emotionally distant," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "This emergency lake landing kit threatens that delicate political balance by forcing men to feel things in public."
At press time, federal agents were actively confiscating the kits from hangar bays while survivors continued to weep into their local news microphones.
