WASHINGTON—A federal court hearing convened Thursday to investigate the safety of regional flights following a high-profile emergency water landing involving a Wisconsin politician. The transcript reveals an aviation industry increasingly reliant on municipal lakes as cost-effective runways. Experts suggest that the concept of traditional airport runways may soon become completely obsolete.
The Cost of Dry Land
Q: To your knowledge, why did the pilot bypass the runway at the local airport?
A: Runway asphalt is expensive, counselor. Water is free. We call Lake Wausau our secondary liquid tarmac. It has excellent natural shock absorption.
Q: But the plane sank. Is a sinking aircraft considered a successful arrival?
A: The passengers got to the surface. Technically, they arrived at sea level. That is a valid altitude.
The Liquid Runway Initiative
Q: Let us discuss the official manual. Does the FAA actively recommend an emergency water landing over a standard wheel-based arrival?
A: "Recommend" is a soft word. We heavily incentivize it. Tires are a major capital expense. If you land in a lake, you do not need tires. You just need a strong swimmer on board. It is much more efficient.
Q: You are suggesting that sinking planes is a viable business model?
A: "We are transitioning to a fully buoyant fleet," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs, testifying on behalf of the airline alliance. "Every pond is a potential terminal. The savings on brake pads alone will secure our Q4 margins."
Q: What about the luggage?
A: The fish have it now. That is a matter for probate court.
