SAN JOSE, CA—Federal proceedings took a chaotic turn Thursday during a antitrust hearing against major device manufacturers. A tech insider under oath unexpectedly confirmed the authenticity of the Motorola's iPhone Duo competitor leak while revealing the depressing corporate philosophy driving the entire mobile industry.
Q: Please state your name and title for the record.
A: Arthur Pendelton. I am Senior Vice President of Redundant Hardware at Motorola.
Q: Mr. Pendelton, is it true your team deliberately leaked the Motorola's iPhone Duo competitor specs to online tech forums last week?
A: Yes. We always leak the specs three months early. It measures how disappointed consumers will be before we ship the units.
Q: And did you intentionally copy the dual-screen form factor of the unreleased Apple iPhone hardware?
A: Copy is a strong word. We saw their confidential render of a wide foldable. We panicked. Then we instructed our engineers to glue two normal phones together with a cheap hinge.
Q: Are you saying the Motorola's iPhone Duo competitor is just two mid-tier Android phones taped side-by-side?
A: No. We used industrial epoxy. The hinge squeaks when you open it in quiet rooms. That is a feature.
Q: Is it true this new device costs over $1,800 to manufacture?
A: Absolutely not. It costs $42 to manufacture in bulk. We just charge $1,800 because the screen folds in half. Consumers associate structural instability with luxury. Market research proves people will pay double for anything that fits awkwardly in a standard front pocket.
Q: Does anyone actually want these massive foldable devices?
A: Nobody wants them. Not the consumers. Not our shareholders. Not even the engineers who designed the processors. But Apple made a prototype. Therefore, we must flood the market with six identical variations before November.
Q: So the entire smartphone supply chain is just a high-stakes game of industrial chicken?
A: Correct. Every company is currently manufacturing the exact same glass rectangle. We just change the name on the box every nine months. At press time, the witness admitted that next year's flagship model will simply be a flexible television display that straps directly onto the user's forearm.
