TO: All Interscope Marketing Staff
FROM: Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence
RE: The Carly_Rae_Jepsen double album emergency
Team, we must act fast. The new Carly Rae Jepsen double album, titled Day and Night, contains 24 tracks. It runs for over 100 minutes. This sheer volume of pure, weaponized pop joy threatens to collapse the global attention span. No human ear can survive this much upbeat synth-bass without experiencing severe emotional whiplash. We need immediate mitigation strategies.
Deploy the Sad Playlists
Our analytics team reports a dangerous spike in spontaneous dancing. "The Carly Rae Jepsen double album is too powerful," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "We tracked three teenagers in Ohio who danced for six hours straight. They forgot how to frown. This ruins our sad-girl indie algorithm." We must dilute her bright pop sound immediately.
We are instructing all playlist curators to sandwich her new tracks between slow acoustic ballads. Please place "Psychedelic Switch" directly after a weeping cello solo. We must neutralize her infectious hooks before they infect the entire workforce. The Carly Rae Jepsen double album cannot win this war.
The Final Motive
We did not want it to come to this. However, we have activated our emergency backup plan. We are currently flooding the market with experimental drone metal to put the public to sleep. If people remain awake, they will listen to all 24 songs. They will demand more key tars. Our budget simply cannot support that many key tars.
Please ensure all staff members wear noise-canceling headphones today. Do not make eye contact with anyone humming a major key scale.
Sincerely,
Management
Dictated but not read while hiding in a soundproof bunker to avoid the sax solo on track 14.
