WASHINGTON—A federal court released a shocking transcript Thursday detailing how defense contractors manipulate foreign policy. During a closed-door House hearing regarding the controversial Iran war, a prominent lobbyist accidentally admitted to funding both sides of the conflict. The testimony exposes the deep financial ties between global arms dealers and legislative votes.
Q: Mr. Vance, does your firm represent the primary manufacturers of the drones used in the Iran war?
A: We represent several major aerospace clients, yes. We prefer the term 'aerial peace implements' though.
Q: And did those same clients recently host a fundraising retreat for the lawmakers who just voted to extend the Iran war?
A: It was a simple networking seminar in Aspen. We discussed mountain ecology and the efficient distribution of guided missiles. The lawmakers merely expressed their deep love for national security.
Q: Our records show your firm also wired forty million dollars to a shell company in Cyprus. That company then purchased Soviet-era artillery for the Iranian guard. Why?
A: Look, a market cannot function without competition. If the other side runs out of targets, our domestic contracts dry up. We call it 'bilateral portfolio balancing.' It keeps the economy humming.
Q: Are you telling this committee that you are actively arming the enemy to justify your own product pipeline?
A: 'Arming' is a very aggressive word. We prefer to think of it as providing necessary logistical contrast. You cannot have a light show without a dark sky, Counselor.
Q: You are describing treason, Mr. Vance.
A: I am describing a highly diversified Q4 portfolio. If we only sold to the good guys, we would be vulnerable to sudden outbreaks of global harmony. No board of directors would accept that risk.
