WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall today for the newly released Jennie Fallen Angel EP. Regulators warn that the three-track digital release contains hazardous levels of unregulated gothic despair and cinematic sadness. The product poses a severe emotional risk to casual pop music consumers worldwide.
Severe Melancholy Hazard Detected
Government inspectors flagged the digital release following its launch on Friday. The agency determined that the BLACKPINK star's solo effort bypassed standard pop-industry optimism filters. Exposure to the Jennie Fallen Angel EP may cause sudden black clothing purchases, spontaneous sighing, and the urge to stare out of rainy windows in slow motion.
"We observed a 400 percent spike in eyeliner sales within hours of the drop," said Richard Vance, Deputy Director of Sonic Safety at the CPSC. "The Jennie Fallen Angel EP contains a dark fairytale music video. This visual component lacks the necessary protective glitter. This is a clear violation of K-pop safety standards."
Affected Units and Immediate Remedy
The recall affects all digital streams, downloads, and mental loops of the three-track project. The agency urges consumers to immediately stop listening to the Jennie Fallen Angel EP. Users should delete the files from their devices. They must replace the audio with upbeat, corporate-approved bubblegum pop immediately to neutralize the sadness.
"Our monitoring stations detected unsafe levels of dramatic tension in the second track," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "We advise all users to wear protective pastel clothing if they accidentally play the music video. We cannot guarantee emotional stability otherwise."
At press time, the CPSC is investigating reports of a teen who successfully levitated after listening to the title track's bridge.
