WASHINGTON— TO: All Pentagon Flag Officers
FROM: Office of the Secretary of Defense
RE: Authorized Use of Military Airspace and the Kid Rock Probe
This department has terminated General Randy George from his position as Army Chief of Staff. This action follows his unauthorized military inquiry into tactical aviation exercises. Specifically, General George launched a rogue Kid Rock probe. This probe investigated why three AH-64 Apache helicopters hovered over a private residence in Tennessee. The homeowner was simply hosting a peaceful, highly-decorated barbecue.
New Airspace Protocols
Effective immediately, all military personnel will cease monitoring airspace near Nashville. “General George exhibited a severe lack of tactical vibe awareness,” said Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense. “The Apache helicopters were conducting critical acoustic resonance tests. They wanted to see if twin-turboshaft engines could harmonize with the chorus of 'Bawitdaba.' This was not a security breach. It was a patriotic soundcheck.”
We remind all personnel that certain musicians possess permanent tactical airspace clearance. General George violated this trust by initiating the Kid Rock probe. His actions embarrassed the department and disrupted a very important guitar solo.
Consequences of Unauthorized Inquiries
“We cannot have commanders questioning where we fly our hardware,” said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and military consultant. “If Kid Rock wants a low-altitude flyover during his morning coffee, the United States Army will deliver. That is called freedom. General George forgot that freedom loud is freedom proud.”
Please delete all files related to the Kid Rock probe from your local drives. Future inquiries into celebrity air support will result in immediate reassignment to a desk in the Aleutian Islands. Sincerely, The Management. (Dictated but not read while boarding a Black Hawk helicopter bound for a 3 Doors Down concert).
