TO: All American Minors
FROM: Management
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Onboarding Details for Your Mandatory SpaceX Stock Giveaway
A recent internal memo reveals the operational guidelines for the proposed SpaceX stock giveaway program. Management expects every American child to accept their equity package immediately. However, receiving your single share requires active corporate participation. Kids must log into the portal daily. You will perform light orbital maintenance to earn your vested tokens.
Your Daily Responsibilities
"We are excited to welcome 73 million children to our workforce," said Arthur Pendelton, Senior Vice President of Youth Equity Acquisition. "This is not a handout. It is an unpaid internship for toddlers. Children must scrub carbon scoring off returned booster rockets. They can complete these chores before their morning bus arrives. You can read about the initiative's announcement on The New York Times website."
The memo outlines strict performance metrics for all participants. Elementary students who fail to hit quarterly riveting quotas will forfeit their dividend rights. Middle schoolers must manage secondary fuel line pressure from their smartphones during math class. High school seniors will handle night shifts at launchpads.
Equity Vested Through Sweat
"Children need to learn the value of private spaceflight," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Our research shows that eight-year-olds manage heavy machinery surprisingly well. They have tiny hands. Those hands fit perfectly inside overheating Raptor engine manifolds. This program makes total economic sense for shareholders."
Management reserves the right to claw back shares if a child displays bad attitude. Crying on the assembly line will result in immediate termination. Participating youth must also agree to invest all future allowance money directly back into corporate bonds.
MANAGEMENT SIGN-OFF: We look forward to monetizing your youth. Please sign the attached waiver so we can lower our Q4 labor costs to zero.
