TO: All Retail Staff and Marketing Associates
FROM: Satya Nadella, Chief Executive Officer
RE: Selling the Surface Laptop Ultra to People Who Hate Money
Team, we must change how we sell hardware. Our new Surface Laptop Ultra costs $2,599. This is not a mistake. We did not add an extra zero by accident. We designed this price tag to make buyers feel superior to their peers. Do not talk about the processors. Focus entirely on the cost.
The Psychology of the Price Tag
Our research shows that tech buyers love to suffer financially. "A high price creates a sense of profound spiritual achievement," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. He noted that consumers actively seek out debt to feel alive. We must leverage this. Do not apologize for the price. Brag about it.
We want customers to purchase the Surface Laptop Ultra specifically to make others feel poor. If a customer hesitates, ask them if they want their coworkers to think they are struggling. Mention the premium metal finish. Remind them that it scratches just as easily as cheaper models, which proves they can afford to replace it.
Targeting the MacBook Crowd
Our main goal remains simple. We must destroy the dominance of the MacBook Pro. We will achieve this by being even more ridiculously expensive. "We want people to look at Apple users and laugh at their cheap, budget-friendly laptops," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist.
Please memorize these talking points. If someone asks about battery life, tell them that true wealth means never being far from an outlet anyway. If they ask about the software, change the subject to the premium box. Let us go out there and extract maximum capital from insecure professionals. Sincerely, Management.
