LEEDS—A UK tribunal convened yesterday to investigate the psychological fallout after post-punk stars Fontaines D.C. debuted their new song "Happy For You" at Leeds Festival. The following transcript details the cross-examination of a local festival attendee who claims the performance permanently altered his brain chemistry. Legal experts believe the testimony could expose the music industry's systematic deployment of aggressive sentimentality to control unruly crowd demographics.
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: Liam Higgins, professional bucket hat model and part-time crowd-surfer.
Q: Mr. Higgins, describe the exact moment Fontaines D.C. debuted their new song "Happy For You" at Leeds Festival.
A: It started real slow and dark. Grian Chatten was pacing like a caged panther. I thought we were about to start a proper mosh pit. I had my elbows out. I was ready to ruin someone's weekend.
Q: And did you ruin someone's weekend?
A: No. The song kept building. The guitars got louder, but instead of punching my mate, I looked him in the eyes and told him I valued his friendship. It was terrifying. I felt a sudden, sickening wave of genuine empathy.
Q: To your knowledge, did XL Recordings authorize this emotional warfare?
A: Yes. I saw a man in a suit behind the stage nodding. He looked like Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. She was holding a clipboard and measuring our dopamine drops.
Q: You are suggesting the band used the Leeds Festival performance to test a psychological sedative?
A: I am. By the end of "Happy For You," three thousand lads in tracksuits were hugging. We were apologizing for pushing. The entire British indie scene almost collapsed from manners. The industry is trying to civilize us so they can charge more for craft beer.
