FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Live Nation Entertainment today proudly announces the complete, unconditional resolution of the pending Live Nation antitrust case. This historic breakthrough follows a highly productive, twenty-minute Oval Office meeting. President Donald Trump and Live Nation CEO Michael Rapino connected deeply over their shared love of premium VIP parking upgrades.
A Symphony of Deregulation
The Department of Justice agreed to drop all charges. This decision confirms that monopoly is just another word for synergy. Live Nation executives expressed immense gratitude for the federal government’s sudden, total change of heart regarding the Live Nation antitrust case. The company will now resume its core mission of adding a $45 convenience charge to every transaction in North America.
"We had a truly beautiful conversation about why competition is actually very bad for the American consumer," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence, who attended as an emotional mediator. "The president immediately understood that the Live Nation antitrust case was simply a misunderstanding. Once we explained that Ticketmaster service fees actually fund the concept of joy, the DOJ lawyers wept and tore up their briefs."
About Live Nation Entertainment
Live Nation Entertainment is the world’s leading live entertainment company. We passionately believe that music fans should choose between paying their rent or seeing an indie rock band from 400 yards away. We operate with absolute, unchecked power. We hold a complete chokehold over every major venue, artist, and ticket printer on Earth. If you do not like our fees, you are welcome to sit in silence in your own home.
