PORTLAND—A federal courthouse became an ambient soundscape today during the ongoing antitrust trial involving the Portland music scene. Government prosecutors allege that the new Liz Harris court case stems from an unauthorized attempt to control the global water supply through low-frequency drone music. The dispute arose after the artist, who records as Grouper, released a 22-minute composition intended to soundtrack two experimental films about moisture.
Q: State your name and occupation for the record.
A: I am Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. I oversee the national ambient humidity standards.
Q: Mr. Flense, why is your department monitoring this Liz Harris court case so closely?
A: Because Ms. Harris has bypassed the standard municipal water filtration systems. Her new 22-minute track contains sub-bass frequencies that physically condense atmospheric vapor. She is essentially manufacturing unregistered drizzle without a federal permit from the EPA.
Q: Are you saying her music is actually wet?
A: It is incredibly damp. We set up decibel meters at her last Portland gig. By minute fifteen, the first three rows were experiencing localized condensation. The entire Kranky Records catalog is a known flood hazard, but this new release crosses the line into weather modification.
Q: How does this implicate the rest of the music industry?
A: It goes all the way to the top. Spotify has been suppressing the Liz Harris court case because they want to monetize the drought. They plan to charge premium subscribers for indoor rain. If artists can just conjure fog with a four-track recorder and an analog delay pedal, the entire municipal utility grid collapses.
At press time, the judge adjourned the hearing early after the courtroom walls began to sweat uncontrollably during the playback of State's Exhibit A.
