TO: All Department Heads
FROM: Human Resources Compliance Division
RE: Over-Allocation of Mike Watt Supergroup Assets
Effective immediately, this department is freezing all new musical projects involving bassist Mike Watt. The recent announcement of the Mike Watt supergroup with Mike Baggetta and John Herndon has officially pushed our roster past maximum operational capacity. We currently lack the physical desk space to house this many avant-garde rhythm sections.
Operational Bottlenecks
Our logistical team cannot support another collaborative LP like the upcoming Thresher record. “We are currently tracking ninety-four active personnel in the Watt ecosystem,” said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. “The Mike Watt supergroup pipeline has become a logistical nightmare for our metadata taggers. We have three different drummers sharing one parking pass.”
We must streamline these collaborative workflows. Our legal department cannot process any more split singles with J Mascis. Every department must audit their current instrument cables. We need to reclaim physical assets immediately.
New Cubicle Assignments
Starting Monday, all improvisational jazz-punk guitarists will share cubicle 4B. This includes Baggetta. We will also consolidate all percussionists. John Herndon must route all snare hits through the central Slack channel for approval. Do not bypass this protocol.
“The sheer volume of bass thud is rattling our water coolers,” said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. “We love the Minutemen legacy, but our open-plan office cannot withstand another experimental noise rock project this quarter.”
Thank you for your cooperation. We must curb this sonic output. If we do not contain this Mike Watt supergroup expansion by Friday, we will be forced to pivot the entire company into a corporate podcast network. Let us avoid that tragedy.
