ST. PAUL, MN— Leaked court transcripts from a federal inquiry into political consultants revealed that the Minnesota Senate debate was entirely staged by an underground syndicate of passive-aggressive media strategists.
Q: Please state your name and profession for the record.
A: My name is Arthur Pendelton. I serve as Senior Passive-Aggression Consultant for Midwestern Political Races. I managed prep for the recent Minnesota Senate debate.
Q: Mr. Pendelton, did you instruct candidates to say 'that's interesting' instead of addressing actual policy platform points during broadcast hours?
A: Yes. We engineered every single response. Real conflict terrifies local voters. We required candidates to nod politely while holding pure, unadulterated hatred in their eyes. We even banned direct eye contact for more than three consecutive seconds.
Q: Is it true that your agency subverted the electoral process by replacing standard debate questions with scripted casserole recipes?
A: It is true. We realized early on that voters do not care about tax brackets. They care about who makes the best hotdish. We bought off the moderators through NPR affiliations. We forced candidates to attack each other using only backhanded compliments about their lawn care habits.
Q: So you admit the entire Minnesota Senate debate was a coordinated sham to suppress authentic human emotion?
A: Absolutely. The whole industry operates this way. Every televised Minnesota Senate debate since 1994 has been a scripted display of mild concern. If a candidate shows genuine passion, the local economy crashes. I regret nothing.
